Monday, August 13, 2012

The 5 Disgusting Habits of Highly Effective Parents

Don't have kids? This post comes with the disclaimer that it carries an 85% effectiveness as holistic birth control. You were warned...

Got a few? Then I'm certain you've mastered all five of these habits and can surely add to my list of-

The 5 Disgusting Habits of Highly Effective Parents

1. The Chewed Food Pass- The wee one starts gnawing on a banana. Junior gets a bit overzealous and mashes a monster bite into his mouth, gagging and giggling simultaneously. Wide eyed and adrenaline charged, you pat the little hoarder on the back and then hold your free hand under pre-expulsion mouth for the pass off. Result? Saliva-mushed banana blob right in the palm of your hand. Three points.

*Sidenote- As gluttons grow older, prepare for the "There. I Tried Your Dinner. Are You Satisfied? Take THIS! Pass" and the "I'm Finished With This Sticky Candy. There's No Trash Can Anywhere. Now Hold Out Your Hand Pass". Daily weight-training is recommended for lightning fast receiving maneuvers.

2. The Thumb Lick- While buckling Little Miss into her carseat, you notice lunch remnants- oh...behind her ear, under her chin, above her eyebrows and in the crease of her neck. Yeah, we know you rubbed her down with a cloth for about 5 minutes after she ate. But still.

So what to do? You've felt your abs tighten and brow furl when you've watched OTHER parents deliver the quick Thumb Lick maneuver in the past, but with shifty eyes, you know you have to go for it now. Seriously. What are you gonna do, right? With a tilted head, you slop a dose of saliva on your probably filthy thumb and smear the leftovers off (or into the pores of) Pigpen's face. Voila. Life is beautiful.

3.The Skid Scrub- Because sometimes, wiping arse just isn't enough. Be it cloth diapers, hybrids or big kid underwear, a little butt wiping, the poo drop off at Porcelain Station and this party is just getting started, baby! Prepare for the Residue Rhumba.
Photo Credit
Nothing spells sophistication like grabbing skivvies and doing the scrub. A classy addition to any afternoon- rubbing two sides of poo-smeared cotton together while scalding hot water singes off the top layer of the skin on your hands. A little soap added in and it's an aromatherapy oxymoron to the max.

 *Bonus- for added interior design flair, hang soaking wet undies of assorted designs ALL over your
  bathroom. An optical delight that the whole family can enjoy...

4. The Booger Grab- It's there, staring right at you. You know your kid is cute and all, but it's hard to focus on those baby blues when it looks like there's a tree branch popping out of that left nostril. It bends. It buckles. It shifts with each passing breeze. This child is in need of some serious emergency face-scaping.
Get this book. It will bring you such joy. 
Quick! Before his little girlfriend toddles over, you prepare for extraction. Block boogerface's body with yours, grab offending snot wad, yank it outta there and pray to Dr. Spock that there's not a mucus trail attached to the tail end. Hand sanitizer, anyone?

5. The Sniff Test- Sweet Pea runs by and you catch the whiff. Like a bloodhound on a scent trail, you're somehow compelled to find the source, however horrific it might be. This situation requires immediate attention, lest you want to suffer that awkward moment when a happily childless friend raises the eyebrow, lowers her cocked head and gives you the nod to indicate you'd better freshen this communal air...and fast.

But there are at least 3 maniac banshees running amok in this mix. Which one is the offender? You rationalize that you're only responsible for the ones carrying your DNA, so you grab tot...and bust out The Sniff Test.

Apropos? Pffffffft! Let's be frank here. There are two other options in determining if you're on, I mean duty. You can grab the lil' stinker and peek in there, utilizing multiple senses of sight AND smell, or if you're slightly deranged, you can add a third sense to the mix and do a finger test. But really, when poo is involved, can't we just rely on STINK alone?

What to watch for when witnessing The Sniff Test in action? Note sniffer's face when result is determined. You'll see one of two reactions.

OPTION 1- Sniffs. Smiles. Sighs relief. Releases tot. Shrugs. "Not mine!" Resumes normalcy while observing other parents scramble.

OPTION 2/NUMBER 2-Sniffs. Tightly closes eyes. Quickly jerks head to the left. Holds tot forward with outstretched arms. Intense face scrunching ensues. Parent and child disappear promptly.

So when you see a parent utilizing The Sniff Test, don't scoff. Really, they're just efficiently solving a problem. Here's to hoping it was someone else's kid who dropped the deuce.

*Sidenote- Never feel guilty about tricking older siblings into performing The Sniff Test. Encourage it; perhaps the task even warrants a title- Official Sniff Test Patrol Officer? Yeah. I like that.

And there you have it. Mmmm hmmmm. It ain't easy being a highly effective parent, no siree! There are days when I envision a fully suited Hazmat crew hosing me off before bed. We warriors live in a world of slime, snot, slobber, poo and grime but we are, undoubtedly, filthy rich in love. Believe it or not, those funky little buggers are worth the extra soap.

***Of course, this blog was written for entertainment purposes only, because if we can't laugh about the nastiness...well we'd all just break down and cry. :)

Know a habit I've forgotten?
Got some tricks for the older gross-ies?
Add them to the list!
I'd like to start my training early so I'm game ready when the time comes.
XOXO From My Hearth to Yours

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